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I keep telling myself things will get better and I hope they do,but I'm afraid they wont. I'm such a bitch. I'm afraid Tony is going to give up on me and us. He says he wont,but I'm afraid he will one day.
I love Tony more then any, and I dont know what I would do without him.
I told him today that I will work harder on getting better,but its not as easy as it sounds. Everytime I say I am getting closer to cutting he says he will leave if I do. I dont want him to leave, I love him too much.
He always tells me how much he has changed for me,well I've changed for him too and he needs to understand that. I dont know what to do, I'm so confused.
The only thing I know for sure is,that I want him,me and kate to stay together as a family.
I want to get better, I want to stop being so angry, to stop being so moody,but I dont know how.

Dark Love

I dont know whats wrong with me. I get mad at Tony over EVERYTHING and theres no reason to.
He works his ass us and bends over backwards for me and I still treat him like shit and I dont know why. He means the world to me.
I am so angry and I dont know why. I have my good days and my bad days,but it seems my bad days are more common.
Tony buys me whatever I want, lets me get whatever animals I want, all to make me happy and it doesnt work.
I told him tonight, its getting harder and harder for me not to cut. I know he wont be able to handle it again,but sometimes its hte only thing that helps me. I feel like I'm losing it, hell I might of even already lost it, I dont know any more
We faught tonight over a damn movie that I said I wanted to watch and I really didnt. I dont know whats going on in my head. I dont want to be like this, I want to be a good wife, not the bitch from the west. My meds dont help me, I've tried everything.

Two Month Checkup

Kate went to the doctors today. She got 5 shots & 1 oral vaccines today. She handled it very well. She only cried for about 30 seconds and then was over it.
Weight: 10 pounds, 12 oz
Height: 23 inches
Head 14 3/4


I dont know why,but right now Im in a bad mood. The day started off fine. Tony went to go scrapping, I stayed home with Kate. After he got home, we went out to Jennas and had dinner. Everything was fine and then suddenly I was mad, nothing happened to make me mad.
I hate being like this. I dont have a reason to be mad at Tony, he is the best husband any one could ask for. I dont know why I get like this. I try so hard to be happy and it never works.

Been Busy

I feel like I have been running here,there and every where. I've been trying to get housework done in between Kate sleeping, but I still havent got much done.
Yesterday after Tony got home from work, we went out to Roy & Crystals to pick up some tin for my rabbit cages,but we ended up staying out there awhile and didnt get home until after ten. It was too dark to get the tin,so we are suppose to go back out there today. I dont mind hanging out there, but I would rather do it on Tony's days off,since he usually is in bed by 10. We only stayed out there so late becouse everyone was there and wanted to see kate and hang out.
One of these days my dad and Tony are really going to get into it. My dad bugs Tony and I guess Tony does the same to him. My dads problem is, he doesnt ask any one to do anything, he hints about it, and everyone hates it, so of course Tony wont do whatever it is my dad wants done. Now if my mom asks Tony to do something he always does.
Im still not 100% sure how many rabbits I am getting Friday. Tony says he doesnt care as long as he doesnt have to always buy their food, which if everything works out likies its suppose to, he wont have to.
Kate is 10 weeks old today! She is growing up so fast.


My day has been going good.
I got alittle work done on my rabbit cages I am building(not easy to do with a 2 month old)
I cleaned up our room and that was it,but its still more then I usually get done when Tony isnt home.
I'm currently filling out an application for Petsmart, I need a job bad. I dont have to work, but I want to.
Kate was up most of the night, so I am tired. My mom took her to Church, so I did get in a little nap. Kate found her feet the other night and has been busy playing with them.
Kate goes to the doctor this Friday for her 2 months shots. I'm not looking forward to it.
On the plus said, we are suppose to be picking up some rabbits on Friday as well.


I was suprised, for once Thanksgiving actually went good. There for no problems, no talking about any one and plenty of great food.
We went to Tony's mom today,even though I wasnt sure how I felt about it. Up until this year, he had bad mouthed her and wanted nothing to do with her. Well suddenly in may, we went to the Zoo with her and his other brother,which neither one has seen in years. Well now Tony wants her in his life and I can understand that,but its still all new to me. I've met her awhole 3 times. I do want her in her granddaughters life, but only if she wants to be. I dont want her in and out of Kate's life, its not fair to her.
The visit wasnt too bad,but she only held Kate for alittle bit, nothing like the way my mom does,but all well. Sh wasnt too friendly and didnt really make me feel welcomed, but all well. Her husband said he was very proud of the way Tony changed, he stopped doing all the things that got him into trouble when he was younger, and I must say I am proud of him too.
Kate is 2 months old and this was only he second time seeing her grandma(It was my third time seeing her)
Any ways,we are suppose to go out there Christmas eve, so we will see.